Profound Moment Alert!

Sorry for the double blogs but I had an experience today that I just had to share! Because I know that you all turn to me for my infinite wisdom!(insert sarcasm here….and multiple other places in my life!) Today, I had some errands to do, and was running around getting the kids off to their last day of school.  I had to go into the hospital to pick up some records to take to a specialist appointment for Nathan later this week, and had a huge AHA moment for myself.  For those that don’t know, I worked in healthcare for about 10 years until 1 year ago when I joined Layton’s Chance Vineyard and Winery(plug, plug, plug).  Even though I didn’t always work in the hospital, some physician offices as well, I always feel at home whenever I go into the hospital for anything.  I walk in and usually stand a little taller because I feel like that is where I am in my element.  Even if I have to take my kids to the ER or tests or whatever, I can handle it really well, because I have a feeling of confidence and sense of belonging.  Not today! I walked in today, and immediately felt…….nothing! For once in my life, I was able to walk in and realize that I didn’t belong there.  I had no questions about whether I should still be doing this with my life, should I be working here, did I make the right decision…..I just knew. This may not seem like much, but for me, who questions everything in my life, this is really a profound moment. All of my jobs have always been continuations of the last or advancements of the last, everything in my life has always seemed to be a continuation of something before. But my career now is so different from what I had done before and I was able to face that head on with no regret or question! This is a huge sense of relief for me. I second guess and question myself about everything. Did I do the right thing with my kids, my husband, my family, my job, the grocery store, did I buy the right toothpaste, did I spend enough time with Jamie today, was I too hard on my kids….it is a never ending struggle living inside my head.  So today, the gratitude for this feeling is almost overwhelming. I have never had this feeling of a chapter of my life closing and today that is exactly what it felt like. Ok, did that, done, moved on, doing alright! It was also hard because it was the first time that I faced the hospital as a concerned mom without the shield of confidence and detachment…now that was hard!  But it made me question myself about what else I question(I know, I have problems)But I know that I am not alone…as moms, as women we always feel like we have to be the ones who have all the answers so we question and “what if” ourselves to death(and if you don’t all feel this way, please just humor me so I don’t feel like I need to spend the rest of my life in therapy) Why do we do this to ourselves? Why can’t we just be happy, live in the moment, and own our decisions?  Now, that is a question that I do not have the answer for. But after today, the feeling of being at the right place, making the right decision with my life was powerful that I want to feel that again. My vow is to try to be a little more sure of myself, own my decisions right or wrong. They are me, they are mine, and as I have found out today, closing a chapter of your life can be a very powerful and uplifting thing.

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