Hello all! I have moved on to my next “project” that I spoke about last time…..knitting! I have always wanted to know how to knit, kind of a “bucket list” thing. So, I bought myself a book entitled, “I taught myself to knit”(word of advice, for all visual learners-like myself-a book is not the way to go!), then watched a few YouTube videos, then finally enlisted the help of our very talented neighbor, and friend, Margaret Henry, and was on my way! My goal…..to make a scarf! Nothing fancy, just a one stitch long piece of knitted yarn. Who would have thought that a few hours later, I had learned some very hard lessons about myself. First off, I am not a naturally born knitter! But this piece of yarn has really opened my eyes about myself.
In my mind, I am supposed to be “perfect” at everything, and when I am not, I try to hide it to give the illusion that I know what I am doing. When I first decided to knit, my immediate thoughts were that I was going to be a natural-these scarves of mine were going to be everyone’s holiday gifts next year, traveling the country to find different types of yarn, and who knows – maybe even sell them and be a millionaire! Yes, that is exactly how my mind works with every new task- it’s pretty exhausting. Take running for example. I love the way a runner’s body looks – long, lean, strong – so in my mind I am going to be a runner. When I think about it, I am going to sign up for marathons, and run 10 miles a day. But when I actually step on the pavement, I am winded within minutes, my legs hurt, and to be perfectly honest, I hate it. So, I blame my shoes, the weather, my joints, etc. and decide that when I am ready, I will be a great runner. Now I don’t want you to think that I am kidding myself in any way, because this is just the projection that I make. The little voice inside my head says, You can’t run, you are always going to be out of shape and overweight because you can’t run. I tackle my job with the same fashion – in my head I am an amazing business woman. But the truth of it is, I am scrambling to keep my head above water. Spreadsheets read like Greek to me, Sales make me so nervous I want to vomit at times. So, while I try to project a great business woman(and for those who work with me, you know that I don’t succeed in that projection all of the time) inside that little voice is saying, who are you kidding, you don’t understand this , you are a fake, you will never do it. Now, in the past, this little voice has made me NOT do a lot of things. Not exercise because I will never be in shape, not take classes because I am afraid everyone will know that I don’t know what I am doing, not record a demo because my voice is not very good(okay, so even my inside little voice might be right about this one :-)! But this little scarf of mine has made me realize quite a bit. I may never be a great knitter and take the fashion world by storm with my creations, but who cares! I am a “good enough” kind of girl, not a “perfection” kind of girl and the sooner I realize that about myself the more I can enjoy the things that I like to do. So, instead of laying down the “scarf”, and telling myself that I could be a great knitter if I wanted to, I am going to keep on knitting! Maybe not this particular scarf, because it is pretty bad, but keep practicing and doing it, just because I enjoy it, not because I need to be great at it. I really want to get in better shape, so I am going to walk for exercise instead of run. I love my job, so I am going to admit when I don’t know things and learn as much as I can along the way. I am going to be myself from now on, and I have this poor, pitiful, mis-shapen, holey little scarf helping me figure out who that actually is.